Caretaking Parents, Entitled Kids

Home
>
Parenting
>
Caretaking Parents, Entitled Kids

Caretaking Parents, Entitled Kids

Demanding children ? children who have entitlement issues ? seem to be common these days. Like the obnoxious child, Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, who was constantly demanding that her father get her whatever she wanted ("I want an Umpa Lumpa! Get it for me NOW!"), we hear many children today uttering the fairly constant refrain, "I want ?.! Give it to me! Get it for me, now!" They seem to be masters at instilling guilt in their parents through phrases such as "It's not fair!" or "You don't love me!" or "What about what I want?", or by getting angry, shutting down or crying piteously.

Why are there so many demanding children?

Olivia grew up with a self-centered demanding critical mother who never let her have her feelings. Olivia learned early to take responsibility for her mother's feelings by being a good girl. Now, as a parent herself, and not wanting to do to her children what her mother did to her, she has gone the other way. Rather than being demanding and self-centered, she is compliant and self-sacrificing. Rather than being an authoritarian parent like her mother was, she is a permissive parent, giving in to her children's demands rather than setting appropriate limits.

Olivia tends to give much to much credence to her children's feelings. All they need to do is be upset about something and she stops what she is doing to attend to them. They have learned to use their feelings of hurt, irritation and anger as a means of control. Olivia thinks she is being loving when she makes it "safe" for her children to express their feelings. The problem is she is not discerning the difference between having feelings and using feelings as a means of control. Because she gives her children's feelings so much importance, her children have learned to use their feelings against her.

Olivia's children need to learn to care about Olivia instead of just trying to get her to give herself up to meet their demands. The only way they will learn to care about her is if she learns to care about herself.

Demanding children are difficult to be around. They have a hard time keeping friends and as adults they create chaotic relationships. So let's take a hard look at what we need to do to support caring in children rather than self-centeredness. Authoritarian parenting often creates compliant/caretaking children, while permissive parenting seems to create narcissistic children. Neither authoritarian nor permissive parenting is loving parenting ? parenting that supports the highest good of both children and parents. Let's break the cycle of creating caretakers and takers. As parents, we need to learn to:

Take loving care of ourselves rather than constantly give ourselves up to our children's needs and feelings.
Set appropriate limits rather than always complying with our children's demands.
Care about our own feelings as much as we care about our children's feelings.
Not allow our feelings and needs to be invisible to our family.
Accept rejection from our children rather than give in to them to avoid being rejected.
Learn to discern the difference between children's feelings that need to be attended to and feelings that are being used to manipulate.
Expect to be appreciated and respected rather than accept being taken for granted.

It is not a matter of swinging back to authoritarian parenting. It is a matter of expecting to be treated with respect and caring. Your children will learn to treat you the way you treat yourself. If you allow your feelings and needs to be invisible because you are not attending to them or making them important to you, your children will learn to see you and others as invisible. Children who see themselves as important and others as invisible because this is what their parents are role-modeling may become narcissistic, self-centered, demanding children.

It is not easy to move out of caretaking and into caring about yourself and others. Caretaking others was likely a form of survival when you were growing up. Yet to truly be a loving parent, you need to have the courage to behave in a way that fosters caring and consideration in your children, and this will never happen if you consistently put yourself aside for others.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

margaret@innerbonding.com

In The News:

'Facebook parenting' is destroying our children's privacy
CNN
Editor's note: Aisha Sultan is a parenting columnist at the St. Louis Post-Dispatch and recent Knight Wallace Fellow at the University of Michigan. Follow her on Twitter: @AishaS. Jon Miller is director of the Longitudinal Study of American Youth in ...

and more »

Apodaca: Don't listen to parenting naysayers
Daily Pilot
The photo was a provocative lead-in for an article on the latest controversy over the issue of child rearing, the practice of what's called attachment parenting. Now the subject is all over the news, providing fodder for talk shows, ...

Sydney Morning Herald
Judges rarely meet young in parenting disputes, says study
Sydney Morning Herald
In New Zealand, 65 per cent of Family Court judges said they often, very often or always met a child who was the subject of a parenting dispute. Dr Fernando said Australia was lagging behind other countries in attitudes to children meeting with judges.

and more »

Putting The Post-Deployment Family Back Together
Vermont Public Radio
Kevin Ross, 31, says the ADAPT parenting program has helped him and his family communicate more effectively. When parents deploy to a war zone overseas, their absence can have ripple effects that are felt long after they return.

and more »

Compete, Pout, Martyr and Shout
Huffington Post (blog)
Please let us teach you the Handel Method®, or if you already know it, let us help you apply it to your parenting. If you want to learn how to put the above into practice, come to Parenting by Design, the four-week course to design and implement the ...

Parenting group bans unvaccinated adults
msnbc.com (blog)
By Diane Mapes The recent whooping cough (pertussis) epidemic in Washington state has prompted the parent support group PEPS to issue a new policy regarding participation in their groups. "Because of the pertussis epidemic in Washington, ...

and more »

The Water Cooler: Parenting
San Francisco Chronicle (blog)
The “Water Cooler” is a feature on Claycord.com where we ask you a question or provide a topic, and you talk about it! The “Water Cooler” will be up Monday-Friday at noon! Do you think people should have to take a mandatory course in parenting before ...

CBS Local
Legacy Parenting Project Holds Conference To Help Teen Moms
CBS Local
By Tim Jimenez PHILADELPHIA (CBS) - The Legacy Parenting Project, a non-profit helping young parents, held a conference for more than 100 teen mothers today at a hotel at Philadelphia International Airport. Morgan is a high school senior in Aston and ...

USA TODAY
Brad Pitt, 'Killing Them Softly': Actor Talks Stepping Behind Camera ...
Huffington Post
By JAKE COYLE 05/24/12 06:53 AM ET Since he last collaborated with Andrew Dominik, he's starred in the Coen brothers' "Burn After Reading," David Fincher's "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," Quentin Tarantino's "Inglourious Basterds," Terrence ...
Pitt rules out becoming a directorWTVQ

all 282 news articles »

Parenting And The Zen Of Roller Coaster Riding
Huffington Post
It's parenting. Growing up has its ups and downs, some wild, many downright frightening. Our kids must stay on for the ride, because you can't get from childhood to adulthood without all these lurches and loops. Parents, though, have a choice (or a ...

Google News