Boundaries - Why Theyre Needed

Home
>
Parenting
>
Boundaries - Why Theyre Needed

Boundaries - Why Theyre Needed

Imagine a child who lacks ownership of his own life, has no
self-control, and lacks respect for others. If these were the qualities of
your son, how would you feel for his future wives?

Yes, wives is plural, this is one major reason we need to set boundaries
for our children their future. One study showed that children born
recently on average will have more spouses than kids. Here are a few
examples of children who lack boundaries:

1. Little Johnny walks right into his parent's bedroom whenever he wants.
It does not matter if the door was open or closed.
2. Twelve year-old Steve frequently changes the channel on the television.
It does not matter if anyone was watching a show or not.
3. Susie blames others for her mistakes. It always seems to be her
teacher's fault, brother's fault, or a friend's fault when something does
not go right.
4. Marie is uncomfortable with how her boyfriend treats her and pressures
her for sex. She keeps dating him because she questions who else would want
to date her.

Without boundaries children will have problems in relationships, school, and
life. Many times addictive behavior can be traced to lack of boundaries.
Here are a few results that can occur:
1. Children can have controlling behavior
2. Children can be motivated by guilt or anger.
3. Without firm boundaries children are more likely to follow their peer
group. For example, making unwise choices on sex, drinking, or driving.
4. Children do not own their own behavior or consequences, which can lead to
a life of turmoil.
5. Children may allow others to think for them.
6. They may allow someone else to define what his or her abilities will be.
This denies their maximum potential.
7. When someone has weak boundaries they pick up other's feelings.
8. Weak boundaries may make it hard to tell where we end and another person
begins.

What is a parent to do? Many times we hinder our children from developing
boundaries. Realize we must teach our children boundaries; they are not
born with them. Here are a few suggestions to help develop boundaries.

1. Recognize and respect the child's boundaries. For example, knock on
their closed bedroom door instead of just walking in.
2. Set our own boundaries and have consequences for crossing them.
3. Avoid controlling the child.
4. Give two choices; this helps our children learn decision-making skills.
5. When you recognize that boundaries need to be set. Do it clearly, do it
without anger, and use as few words as possible.
6. We need to say what hurts us and what feels good.
7. It may be difficult to set a boundary. You may feel afraid, ashamed, or
nervous, that's okay, do it any ways.

Another way to work with boundaries and children is to model these for our
children.
1. Recognize your physical boundaries.
2. You have the right to request proper treatment, for example, poorly
prepared meals in a restaurant should be sent back, ask others to smoke away
from your space, and ask that loud music be turned down.
3. Share your opinions with your children. Allow your children their
opinions. Opinions are not right or wrong. This will help them think for
themselves.
4. Teach them how you decide on the choices you make.
5. Lets own what we do and what we don't do. Take responsibility for when
things go wrong.
6. Accept your thoughts, it is who you are.
7. Discover what your limits are, emotional and physical.

Setting boundaries is all about taking care of ourselves. This is the first
guideline we teach in our workshops. Other benefits include:
1. We will learn to value, trust, and listen to ourselves.
2. Boundaries are also the key to having a loving relationship.
3. Boundaries will help us with our personal growth.
4. We will learn to listen to ourselves (trusting our intuition). We
also will learn to respect and care for others and ourselves.
5. Boundaries will aid us in the workplace.

Boundaries are all about freedom and recognizing when these freedoms have been crossed. Boundaries give us a framework in which to negotiate life events. Recognizing and acting when our boundaries have been crossed will protect our freedom. Boundaries lead to winning relationships for both
parties. By building foundations based on mutual trust, love, and respect we can expect our children to grow up more tolerant and with a mature character. Simply put, boundaries simplify life.

Derek and Gail Randel M.D. are parent coaches who have customized programs
for corporations, schools, and parent groups. They can be reached at Parent Smart from the
Heart, 1-866-89-SMART, www.parentsmartfromtheheart.com , www.stoppingschoolviolence.com or
info@randelconsulting.com

In The News:

'Facebook parenting' is destroying our children's privacy
CNN
Editor's note: Aisha Sultan is a parenting columnist at the St. Louis Post-Dispatch and recent Knight Wallace Fellow at the University of Michigan. Follow her on Twitter: @AishaS. Jon Miller is director of the Longitudinal Study of American Youth in ...

and more »

Apodaca: Don't listen to parenting naysayers
Daily Pilot
The photo was a provocative lead-in for an article on the latest controversy over the issue of child rearing, the practice of what's called attachment parenting. Now the subject is all over the news, providing fodder for talk shows, ...

Sydney Morning Herald
Judges rarely meet young in parenting disputes, says study
Sydney Morning Herald
In New Zealand, 65 per cent of Family Court judges said they often, very often or always met a child who was the subject of a parenting dispute. Dr Fernando said Australia was lagging behind other countries in attitudes to children meeting with judges.

and more »

Putting The Post-Deployment Family Back Together
Vermont Public Radio
Kevin Ross, 31, says the ADAPT parenting program has helped him and his family communicate more effectively. When parents deploy to a war zone overseas, their absence can have ripple effects that are felt long after they return.

and more »

Compete, Pout, Martyr and Shout
Huffington Post (blog)
Please let us teach you the Handel Method®, or if you already know it, let us help you apply it to your parenting. If you want to learn how to put the above into practice, come to Parenting by Design, the four-week course to design and implement the ...

Parenting group bans unvaccinated adults
msnbc.com (blog)
By Diane Mapes The recent whooping cough (pertussis) epidemic in Washington state has prompted the parent support group PEPS to issue a new policy regarding participation in their groups. "Because of the pertussis epidemic in Washington, ...

and more »

The Water Cooler: Parenting
San Francisco Chronicle (blog)
The “Water Cooler” is a feature on Claycord.com where we ask you a question or provide a topic, and you talk about it! The “Water Cooler” will be up Monday-Friday at noon! Do you think people should have to take a mandatory course in parenting before ...

CBS Local
Legacy Parenting Project Holds Conference To Help Teen Moms
CBS Local
By Tim Jimenez PHILADELPHIA (CBS) - The Legacy Parenting Project, a non-profit helping young parents, held a conference for more than 100 teen mothers today at a hotel at Philadelphia International Airport. Morgan is a high school senior in Aston and ...

USA TODAY
Brad Pitt, 'Killing Them Softly': Actor Talks Stepping Behind Camera ...
Huffington Post
By JAKE COYLE 05/24/12 06:53 AM ET Since he last collaborated with Andrew Dominik, he's starred in the Coen brothers' "Burn After Reading," David Fincher's "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," Quentin Tarantino's "Inglourious Basterds," Terrence ...
Pitt rules out becoming a directorWTVQ

all 282 news articles »

Parenting And The Zen Of Roller Coaster Riding
Huffington Post
It's parenting. Growing up has its ups and downs, some wild, many downright frightening. Our kids must stay on for the ride, because you can't get from childhood to adulthood without all these lurches and loops. Parents, though, have a choice (or a ...

Google News