Ending Co-Dependence

Why does Co-dependence arise? Well because two or more individuals make an unconscious contract with each other to try to satisfy the unmet needs of the other. Initially, especially in the case of a couple, this contract is defined as "love". For instance, how many times have you heard yourself or others say something like "I can't live without you". Usually this means "without you my needs won't get met". In other words, "I will start to feel empty, needy, anxious and desperate without my needs being met by you".

The reason that this type of relational contract eventually breaks down is because no one can possibly meet the needs of any other person. Trying to do so would take so much energy and effort that it would essentially deplete the person trying to. Hence at some point the person whose needs are not being satisfied will start to feel disgruntled and perhaps start using the following expression, "you don't love me any more" when what they really mean is "you have broken your contract to meet my needs".

The unfortunate result of such a broken contract is that either the individuals part and try to find someone else to meet their unmet needs or they try to force, or coerce, usually through guilt, the other person into trying to meet their needs. This is when things can get very ugly. So what can be done about this ongoing saga that seems to affect almost all relationships in my view?

Although this may not be met with applause by most individuals reading this article I must say that it becomes necessary to address one's unmet needs one's self. This is the alternative to trying to turn one's partner or friend into becoming one's "new parent". The latter strategy will always fail and leaves one's integrity in tatters. Trust me, I've seen happen hundreds of times.

So how does one address one's needs one's self? In order to begin to address this I offer an example of a common need: "I need you to validate me so I can feel good about myself".

Let's look closely at what this need implies. The need suggests that it is there to help motivate the individual to get the validation he/she needs, so that, it will get met, so that, it will make that individual feel complete, whole, will give them self esteem and self confidence.

In other words that "the need to be validated will make them feel good about themselves".

So what I would like to suggest you do right now, if you wish, is summon up the need to be validated in yourself (if this is something you personally struggle with) and notice whether you feel good about yourself as you are aware of it's effect on you.

Do you feel good about yourself knowing that you have such a need? I doubt it. In fact you may feel somewhat foolish or weakened by having such a toxic need inside you. Is this what you want living inside you?

If not, make some simple statements to the effect that a) you acknowledge that the belief that this need is helping you is false b) that the need itself is toxic to you i.e. it weakens you and leaves you "needy" and c) that you would like the need and the false belief that it helps you feel good about yourself purged from your life.

I will leave it to you to determine for yourself the impact that such a simple process can have on your life and on your relationships. For more help with such issues you can visit the web site below.

Dr. Nick Arrizza is trained in Chemical Engineering, Business Management & Leadership, Medicine and Psychiatry. He is a Key Note Speaker, Author, Stress Management Coach, Peak Performance Coach & Researcher, Specializes in Life and Executive Performance Coaching, is the Developer of a powerful new tool called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) that helps build phyiscal, emotional, mental and spirtual well being by helping to permanently release negative beliefs, emotions, perceptions and memories. He holds live workshops, international telephone coaching sessions and international teleconference workshops on Physical. Emotional, Mental and Spiritual Well Being. Personal Url: http://www.telecoaching4u.com

---

Essential Advice for Your Wedding Day

You've been engaged for months, you've made it through planning... Read More

Ten Beliefs That Can Contribute to an Unhappy Marriage

Have you ever wondered why your marriage isn't happier? If... Read More

Marriage Advice: Seven Marriage Myths You Can?t Afford to Ignore

If you're like most people, you probably entered into marriage... Read More

Prenuptial Agreements

"Til death do us part" is still the language used... Read More

Diamond Wedding Rings ? The Things to Look For

There is a huge array of diamond wedding rings available... Read More

Here Comes the Bride

As we hear the music begin to play the Bridal... Read More

Growing and Connecting with Your Spouse

Do you remember when there were no children in your... Read More

A Wedding Shower Invitation Should Be Attractive And Stylish!

Wedding shower invitations should lay out all of the necessary... Read More

Marriage Counseling: What Do Husbands Really Want in a Wife?

Because many men do not discuss feelings as easily as... Read More

All that Glitters?Something Old, Something New...

Brides through the ages have accessorized with wedding jewelry to... Read More

Wedding Planning: Prioritize to Stay Within Your Wedding Budget

So you're planning your wedding and a thousand decisions must... Read More

Bridal Hair Stylist Goes Above and Beyond the Call of Duty

You are locked in your seat on the most famous... Read More

To Choose a Wedding Planner or Not to Choose a Wedding Planner

When I was the owner of a major wedding facility,... Read More

Marriage Counseling Advice: Give Your Spouse Space to Breathe and Grow

When you're married, the boundaries between yourself and your spouse... Read More

Cheap Wedding Favors

Planning a wedding of any size or budget can have... Read More

How to Keep Hope Alive During a Marriage Crisis

During a marriage crisis, you can feel like your whole... Read More

Rose Petals Add The Perfect Touch For A Wedding

Rose petals will add luxury to a wedding day or... Read More

Do We Still Need Wedding Traditions?

Traditionally at weddings the speechs are made after the wedding... Read More

Wedding Planning: Tips for Choosing Online Wedding Vendors

If you're looking to the internet for help with your... Read More

Divorce Rate Plummets As More Americans Shack Up Instead of Getting Married

More Americans are taking "til death do us part" seriously.... Read More

Helping The Control Freak Plan The Wedding

My daughter and fiancé have finally set the "big day"... Read More

Wedding Planning -- Staying Within Your Wedding Budget

Planning and organizing a wedding budget can greatly reduce the... Read More

Mens Diamond Rings ? The Ultimate Wedding Ring For The Modern Man

Mens diamond rings are becoming more and more popular with... Read More

Bachelor Party Planning - The Ultimate Weekend Trip with the Guys

Rounding up the guys to devour some barbecued red meat... Read More

Capture Your Perfect Moment with a Wedding Website

Not so many years ago, the proposition of a wedding... Read More