Dealing With Your Spouses Sexual Past

Home
>
Marriage & Wedding
>
Dealing With Your Spouses Sexual Past

Dealing With Your Spouses Sexual Past

"Couples who've had sex before marriage will inevitably have sexual difficulties in marriage."

That's what Joe Beam, marriage expert and president of Family Dynamics Institute, said to a large audience of married couples. Through Family Dynamics Institute's work with thousands of couples, we've learned that the emotional results of premarital sex, in most cases, negatively affect many aspects of a marriage.

More than half of those who marry today bring sexual histories into their marriages, and it seems to me that wringing our hands over the issue isn't going to help those struggling with the consequences in their relationships today.

So what can be done about marriage difficulties that result from premarital sex? I have some suggestions that have helped others who've approached me about the issue.

1. Confess. It's good for the soul, they say. It's also good for your marriage. If he doesn't know you had sex with someone before you married him, he probably needs to know. He especially needs to know if it is responsible for struggles in the bedroom. He can't fight an enemy he doesn't even know exists and if you want true intimacy with him then you need to share everything about yourself.

Your spouse will probably be hurt by the news. I didn't say it would be easy, but if you want to overcome the guilt and intimacy issues that often come with having a sexual past, you have to eliminate secrets (except of course, what you're getting him or her for Valentine's day). By that I don't mean you flood your spouse with all the details of your past encounters. Usually telling the basics will suffice, but tell as much as he or she wants to know. That way he knows you aren't keeping secrets from him, and so do you.

An intimate marriage with no secrets can overcome most of life's obstacles. So the first step to overcoming a sexual past is to strengthen your relationship by bringing your past out in the open. Obviously, this is a two-way street.

2. Differentiate. Sometimes each spouse enters marriage with a sexual past. Even if you are guilty of having a sexual past, it's hard to fight the feeling of betrayal if you discover your spouse also committed sexual sins before marriage.

The reason it hurts to learn of the sexual past of our spouse is due to something I believe God put inside each one of us--the desire for privileged rights with another person. We want to share the most personal parts of ourselves with another person and to experience the same from that person. We want to share something with our spouse that is different and separate from any experience he or she has ever had with anyone else.

When we learn that another person has experienced the deepest, most hidden parts of our spouse we feel cheated. We feel as though we've been robbed of something that should only belong to us. We actually feel violated by sharing our spouse with another person, even if it happened a long time ago.

Therefore, it is essential that we are able to reclaim that privileged right to our spouse. We've got to have something together that no one else has (or can have) with him or her.

Think and pray long and hard on this: Determine why you chose your spouse over anyone else. Determine what makes your marriage special and unique. Find something that the two of you can cling to as sacred and shared only by the two of you. Use that as a focal point and a continual source of security when you or your spouse experience the guilt, regret, or pain that results from your sexual pasts.

3. Pay attention to the link between your sex life and your emotional health. Many times your sex life reflects the overall health of your relationship. If you have feelings of comfort and happiness at the thought of sex with your spouse, usually your relationship is in good shape. But when you have negative thoughts about sex with your spouse, with the exception of periodic physical complications, many times it means that you and your spouse are emotionally distant.

When your relationship is in good shape, sex should be a natural result. It's the outcome of a good relationship where each spouse feels secure, appreciated, understood and loved. And, after a certain level of emotional health is reached, sex makes vital contributions to the emotional health of a marriage. Make sure you understand the importance of your sexual and emotional relationship with your spouse and act accordingly.

Though this formula is not a quick fix, it is the quickest fix known to me. Other couples have used this strategy and it has worked. I'm convinced it will work for you as well.

Lee Wilson is on staff at Family Dynamics Institute. Family Dynamics attempts to prevent marriage problems by helping couples who are already in troubled marriages and by teaching those in good marriages to prevent major issues before they happen. Lee combats marriage problems from another angle with his web site for Christian singles by helping them find compatibility in possible marriage candidates. Lee hopes his efforts will help to decrease the divorce rate around the world.

In The News:

Top 10 gay wedding destinations
Reuters
| NEW YORK (Reuters) - The steadily increasing stream of states and countries legalizing gay marriage has dramatically changed the lives of LGBT people and their loved ones in recent years. In honour of the growing number of places to celebrate lesbian ...

and more »

When does a wedding become a marriage? | Nandell Palmer
Federal Way Mirror
The term “holy matrimony” is a hard sell to people seeking lawful protection but have no religious allegiance attached to the institution of marriage. Wedding vows can be exchanged at City Hall, on a hospital bed, prison, or a Las Vegas drive-through ...

Christian Post
Marvel Comics plans wedding for gay hero Northstar
Sioux City Journal
The New York-based publisher said Tuesday that Canadian character Jean-Paul Beaubier will marry his beau, Kyle Jinadu, in the pages of "Astonishing X-Men" No. 51. That's due out June 20. Northstar revealed he was gay in the pages of "Alpha Flight" No.
Marvel Comics X-Men Gay Wedding Sparks Fierce DebateChristian Post
Scottish Parliament motion acknowledges Marvel's same-sex weddingComic Book Resources
Marvel Comics plans wedding for gay hero Northstar in JuneDallas Voice
Washington Post -WIS -Los Angeles Times
all 632 news articles »

The Associated Press
Stormy start to a marriage
TriValley Central
But for people living outside Tornado Alley, Caleb and Candra Pence's wedding last Saturday is generating the kind of buzz usually reserved for celebrity nuptials. The video of the service has gone viral, garnering more than 20000 views on YouTube and ...
Couple captures once-in-a-lifetime wedding photoKSLA-TV
The Ultimate Wedding Crasher: Kansas TornadoesWLWT Cincinnati
Tornado Wedding Pictures: Kansas Newlyweds Caleb And Candra Pence Get ...Huffington Post

all 334 news articles »

New York Times
Wedding Q. and A.
New York Times
Making Room for Guests of the Children My fiancé has two children from his first marriage; they will be 11 and 15 at the time of our wedding this fall. We all live together (their mother is dead) and I am fortunate to have a great relationship with the ...

On Love: 'He fit an ideal I was looking for'
Washington Post
Standing before the Eiffel Tower at night, Fernandez pulled out a ring and asked Clendening to marry him. Even as they planned the wedding, they weren't sure where they could make a life together. But in December, HP offered Clendening a position in ...

PerezHilton.com
Alec Baldwin & Hilaria Thomas Secretly Planning A Wedding In Europe??
PerezHilton.com
Tags: alec baldwin, cannes, elope, hilaria thomas, honeymoon, married, wedding Madonna fans, can you believe we are now only DAYS away from the MDNA world tour kickoff?!! Her Madgesty will give her first show in Tel Aviv next Thursday and to say we are ...

and more »

Brisbane Times
Stop Judging Mark Zuckerberg for His Relatively Normal Wedding
The Atlantic Wire
The wedding story of last weekend that took everyone by surprise was, of course, the marriage of Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg to his longtime girlfriend Priscilla Chan. We laughed, we cried, ladies wanted her dress, we all marveled at their ability to ...
Status update for Facebook's Jewish founder: marriedJweekly.com
Mrs Zuckerberg's post-marriage entitlementsBrisbane Times
Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg faces the perils of Wall StreetLos Angeles Times
GizmoCrave
all 105 news articles »

On Love: Simone Hardeman and Chris Jones
Washington Post
Janet Bennett Kelly More Weddings and Engagements: Getting married in the Washington area? Tell us your story to be featured in On Love. Photos: Marriage proposals in the movies Photos: Wedding trends for 2012 Photos: How to choose a diamond Engagement ...

Dowry deaths are the hidden curse of the big fat Indian wedding
New York Daily News
But the "happily ever after" myth that permeates Indian weddings was powerfully dispelled by other studio guests who gave accounts of their horrific post-marriage lives. One said she was harassed by her husband and in-laws and ultimately was left to ...

and more »

Google News