Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

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Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

"Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer."
-- Grace Allen (Gracie)

"It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else."
-- Grace Allen (Gracie)

"Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door."
-- Grace Allen (Gracie)

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
-- George Burns

"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
-- George Burns

"For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died."
-- George Burns

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city."
-- George Burns

"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
-- George Burns

"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
-- Johnny Carson

"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."
-- Johnny Carson

"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill."
-- Johnny Carson

"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food."
-- Johnny Carson

"The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."
-- Johnny Carson

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
Bill Cosby

""Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it.""
Bill Cosby

"Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli."
Bill Cosby

"Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit."
Bill Cosby

"I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger."
Bill Cosby

"Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first."
Bill Cosby

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
-- Rita Rudner

"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
-- Rita Rudner

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
-- Rita Rudner

"I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
-- Rita Rudner

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other.""
-- Rita Rudner

"I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug companies see the public."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'"
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
-- Steven Wright

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again."
-- Steven Wright

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
-- Steven Wright

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
-- Steven Wright

"Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
-- Steven Wright

Resource Box - © Danielle Hollister (2005) is the Publisher of BellaOnline Quotations Zine
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In The News:

Humor, speeches punctuate Pleasant Valley High's commencement ceremony
Enterprise-Record
After Yeh's speech, Zackery Williamson, the senior class president, gave a humorous speech in a deep baritone. The audience laughed after he apologized to the females in his graduating class for trying pickup lines on them for four consecutive "Can you ...

Writer Joel Warner and scholar Peter McGraw attempt to unravel "The Humor Code"
Denver Post
By John Wenzel Former Westword writer Joel Warner, left and CU professor Peter McGraw are working on a project called "The Humor Code." (Cyrus McCrimmon, The Denver Post) The Denver writer and the University of Colorado at Boulder professor have teamed ...

Sydney Morning Herald
'Men in Black 3' slow, has humor
Aiken Standard
But there's no urgency to this, no insistence to the humor. Sonnenfeld's whiplash-quick "Addams Family" and "Men in Black" movies were sprints compared to this ambling follow-up. We find out the secret behind supermodels (they're all aliens) and Andy ...
REVIEW: Men in Dreck 3Dallas Voice
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Celebrate Summer with New Delicious Frozen Treats from MAGNUM®, Popsicle ...
MarketWatch (press release)
ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ, May 24, 2012 /PRNewswire via COMTEX/ -- Summer is just around the corner and to make sure your taste buds are prepared, the MAGNUM®, Popsicle®, Breyers®, Klondike® and Good Humor® Brands are revealing a new line-up of ...

and more »

CBS News
Actor Michael McKean keeps sense of humor after getting hit by car, calls ...
TheCelebrityCafe.com
The actor, who is currently starring in a Broadway production, has not lost his sense of humor, though. “We always tell each other to break a leg in this business. I never thought it would happen to me this way!” McKean, 64, told producer Jeffrey ...
Broken Leg Forces Michael McKean Off Broadway Performance of "The Best Man"Yidio TV & Movie News

all 520 news articles »

“Endgame” probes death, life with heartbreaking humor
Marinscope Community Newspapers
Bill Irwin, star of the humorous, heart-rending 80-minute “Endgame,” Nick Gabriel, as his servant-slave, and supporting actors Gils Havergal and Barbara Oliver as his parents play verbal ping-pong with life and its jagged journey.

and more »

World Peace retains sense of humor
Las Vegas Review-Journal
Dramatic endings usually play well in Los Angeles. But this is not a movie, and there was no last-second shot from superhero Kobe Bryant to save the season. The Lakers have been dumped from the NBA playoffs, left to panic and ponder another premature ...

and more »

South County man seeks to spread humor to fellow veterans
STLtoday.com
The 80-year-old South County resident has compiled the humorous material into three volumes called "Laughter Is The Best Medicine." He wants to give them to Veterans Administration hospitals and veteran homes for their patients, residents and relatives ...

and more »

Humor Me: When cancer became an afterthought
Lake County Record-Bee
by Kevin N. Hume Until Saturday, I had almost forgotten my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer just about four years ago. I was covering the Relay for Life event at Clear Lake High School. I had never been to the event before. As I walked around, ...

and more »

Slain West Bloomfield teen remembered with humor, tears
Detroit Free Press
Pallbearers bring the casket of slain teen Jonathan Hoffman out from the Ira Kaufman Chapel in Southfield after his funeral Tuesday. / REGINA H. BOONE/DETROIT FREE PRESS By Tammy Stables Battaglia Mourners hug after the funeral.

and more »

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