He Had It Coming, Your Honor

This past week as Mr. Man and I lounged around our sprawling estate, I realized that my life is just way too laid back. What with our perfect children, our incredible level of financial independence and perfect hard bodies, I felt inspired to do something to shake things up a bit.

"Hey, Mr. Man," I said to my sweet Baboo, "What do you say we get up real early in the morning and drive two hours to a hospital as big as Disney World so I can get their Monday Thyroid Biopsy Special? I think that would be a hoot."

"Why sure, Honey," said Man. "I think that'd be just a swell idea. Let's do that."

And so we did. We woke up at dawn, picked out the perfect matching his and her outfits and had our driver take us to the big city while we drank champagne in the back of the limo.

"Ms. Crazy On Your Face, how lovely to see you," said my physician. "Before we begin, let me tell you a little about the procedure. I will be taking samples of fluid from the lumps in your swan-like neck, which will require the use of several needles of varying lengths. You're in charge, so if you feel any discomfort, just tell me and I'll stop."

"Say, Doc. What about the use of some sort of numbing agent for this possible discomfort of which you speak?" I asked.

"Oh, I don't like to use those kinds of medicines before this type of procedure. I find it makes my job more difficult and I'm way too important to have to work hard," said Dr. Evil. "Besides, you'll be fine".

Everyone in the room agreed that what is most important in a situation like this one is keeping it simple for the doctor.

Before I knew it, Dr. Demento placed a pillow under my shoulders and tilted my head backwards as far as it could go. It was as close as I had come to doing a back bend since I was fifteen and trying to impress the testosterone carriers of East Rutherford High.

"Just relax, Dear. But no matter what, do not move one tiny, tiny bit or else something terrible and irreversible could happen to you. And of course, I have no intentions of telling you what that is, so it'll be a complete surprise." he said. "Ok. Here comes the first little stick."

Hmmm.

"Excuse me, Doctor," I said calmly. I think you have confused me with another patient. I'm not here to have the 'Bic ink pen jammed in your throat' biopsy."

"Are you feeling some discomfort?" he asked.

"Why, yes. Now that you mention it, I am."

"Mr. Man, would you come sit beside your overdramatic woman and allow her to hold your hand for support before we begin again?" I took Mr. Man's hand in mine, and drew in a deep breath just like Dr. Torture advised in order to lessen my discomfort. As everyone knows, breathing in and out is every bit as good as a morphine drip. Sometimes, if I don't carefully monitor my breathing at home, I get good and stoned.

"Ok. A little stick again."

"Wow. That's odd," I calmly said to Doc Devil. "When you said 'little stick' I didn't realize you were talking about the one you had picked up from your backyard at home. I'm going to need you to remove the oak branch you have thrust into my neck as it is entirely unpleasant."

"Are you feeling discomfort?" the sorry son of a cherry picker asked.

"In fact, I am," I answered. "And judging by the tears streaming down Mr. Man's face, I'm guessing he is feeling a certain level of discomfort as a result of the large number of bones I have shattered in his hand."

"Nurse Torture, would you mind giving me the biggest needle you can possibly find for my third stick?" Dr. Satan instructed. "If you can't find one at least a foot long, call my wife and ask her to bring something from the private collection I keep in my chamber...uh, I mean my basement."

And so with what resembled a sharp railroad spike hovering over my face, he reminded me again to relax. Once more I heard those magic words, "Little stick."

What happened next you will likely hear more about when I am interviewed by Diane Sawyer from my prison cell. Let's just say I may have caused him a slight amount of discomfort when I attached his Sphynomanometer to his family jewels and ever so gently put his Otoscope in some place other than his ear.

Hey, it's not like I didn't warn him. "Take a deep breath, Big Boy," I said. "You're about to feel a little stick."

Sher Bailey is a freelance writer living somewhere in the midwest, very likely in a trailer park or a van down by the river. Quite the recluse, she makes only the occasional appearance in the Moon Pie section of Wal-Mart or at road side stands that sell pictures of Elvis on crushed velvet. Read more at http://www.Wiping-The-Crazy-Off-My-Face.com.

---

Setting History Straight

Have you ever heard the name Will Schwenk? Or the... Read More

Internet is My True Agent

You know the type -- that doodling type. Every time... Read More

Used Condom Found In Restaurant Salad Bar; Waiter Embarrassed To Tears

Evidence of after-hours activity turned up at a Big Boy... Read More

Cheer-Leadership or All I Need to Know About Business I Learned from Cheerleading

Thanks to teen movies, many people have this stereotypical idea... Read More

Miss Cleo Was a Fake... NO - Really? YES Maaan!

With her Jamaican accent Miss Cleo, a self proclaimed psychic... Read More

How to Build a Cobblestone House

He huffed and he puffed and he blew the house... Read More

Computers According to Carol

A is for Anti-Virus: she got it from my Uncle.B... Read More

Do Americans Really Understand Irony?

Let me start by saying that 'I am an American'... Read More

Cloning Advantage Super Families

As the cloning debate of humankind continues we find ourselves... Read More

Funny Things We Dream

I often wonder why I wake up so happy, ready... Read More

Space, and the Room for It

Space exploration came a long way since I was the... Read More

Nine Movies That Make You Want To Yell, Stop Saying That

Movie moments are nice things to share with the people... Read More

Norm Goldman Interviews Comedienne Fran Capo,the Guinness Book Worlds Record for the Fastest Talking

Today, Norm Goldman, Editor of Sketchandtravel & Bookpleasures is delighted... Read More

Slip-sliding On A Peel

Every day, or at least every other day, we make... Read More

Local Author Joins History and Humor To Tell His Stories

Joseph Yakel was born and raised in New York's Capital... Read More

Laughing Toward Truth: Six Tips for Lighthearted Thinkers

Do you believe in the power of your convictions?It's time... Read More

Dog Poo - And You Thought You Had Problems

In Southern Germany in a town by the name of... Read More

Short Story: Take a Trip To The Temple Of The Great Tomato

Jimmy Jenkins Jr. is not an adventurer, traveler, or pioneer.... Read More

25 Reasons You Might Need to Wear a Welding Helmet

A welding helmet is a safety device worn for protection... Read More

Fried Green Tomatoes Recipe

My next-door neighbors found a human bone in their backyard.... Read More

Got Originality?

There are many ways to be original these days. But... Read More

Beyond Black and White

Over visiting a neighbor the other day?"Would you like a... Read More

New Orleans First to Experience Housing Bubble Burst

Are we starting to see the Housing Bubble Burst in... Read More

Military Wives

I... Read More

Dumb Luck

I've never really thought of myself as being funny. I... Read More