Divorce: Coping With The Family Law Process

Home
>
Divorce
>
Divorce: Coping With The Family Law Process

Divorce: Coping With The Family Law Process

The Emotions

Divorce is a scary, lonely and misunderstood process for most people, particularly when there are children involved. The mutual friends enjoyed during the marriage may not be of help because those individuals may not want to "pick a side." A divorce will introduce you to an entirely new balancing act.

The Effect on Productivity at Work

You must be conscious of how the divorce process affects your ability to function on your job. There may be occasions when you will feel overwhelmed by a typical day's workload. On such occasions, you may wish to apportion work in terms of what you can handle.

You may at times find yourself uncharacteristically testy and acerbic to friends and colleagues, uncommunicative, depressed, and distracted. You should try to be alert to these personality and mood changes and work with a counselor to solve them. At times this may involve temporarily modifying project responsibilities or adjusting assignments until you achieve a level of equanimity. On still other days, you may not be able to cope with the workplace or home environment at all, no matter how light the workload. When this happens, it may be prudent to request a brief personal leave. If your behavior and interaction cannot be altered through temporary changes, you may need to seek professional counseling during this stressful period.

Keep in mind that while going through a divorce you will face numerous demands on your time: meetings with an attorney, accountant and counselor, possibly locating a new residence (and furnishing it) and establishing new lines of credit. Plan ahead where possible for these contingencies by asking your employer for projects that do not have a tight deadline. Flexible working arrangements, such as job-sharing, or the opportunity to compensate for lost time by working in the evening or on weekends, are other possibilities.

You should not let others treat you as an emotional cripple. You are probably already experiencing feelings of helplessness and an inability to control your life. By being overprotective and shielding you from the daily realities of the workplace or running interference with fellow employees or clients, the employer may only exacerbate those feelings. Work may be the only place you can achieve a sense of self-worth and personal strength during this difficult period.

The Process

Some people winding their way through the divorce process may experience fatalistic or, conversely, unreasonably hopeful feelings, and may rely on divorce process myths that further complicate the situation (for example, a belief that the system is entirely gender biased). Unfortunately, the legal process is not designed to address emotional issues for the participants. Although there are milestones, such as filing the initial documents, there are no true emotional releases. Even the finalizing of a divorce is a bittersweet experience and is likely to feel like a letdown. No one truly wins in a divorce because the estate is always divided and both individuals have fewer assets than prior to the divorce. Unfortunately, the legal process is often one of attrition. The time and expense of the legal process often dictates the results as one of the parties can no longer afford the resources or the time to continue to dispute issues.

The many difficult aspects of the legal process often cause frustration and result in increased anger and hurt. In combination with the plethora of negative emotions which led to the divorce in the first place, one facing a divorce may turn to revenge as a primary motivation and extend the divorce proceeding to hurt the other spouse. On the other hand, a spouse may prolong the divorce process in the hope that reconciliation might occur.

The Solutions

Mediation may be the best answer. If you and your spouse can still communicate and have some common ground, mediation may be the most economical, efficient, and effective way to resolve the issues in the divorce. The mediator must be well trained and be competent in the area of family law. You should consult with an attorney before and after the mediation to be properly advised on negotiation of the issues and on whether the final result is a comprehensive solution.

You may need guidance in selecting an attorney. Your union, company corporate attorney or human resource department may be a source of names. The attorney should be practicing primarily, if not exclusively, in the area of family law (the area has become too complicated to be effectively handled by the generalist). The attorney should have the most current research software and resources available within the office (Lexis and FinPlan Divorce Planner are good examples). Competence, comfort and convenience are three primary considerations in selecting the attorney. Evaluate whether the attorney has a plan which will properly allocate resources to achieve realistic and wise goals.

You should be cognizant of the importance of limiting conversation with the attorney to the nuts and bolts and not try to convince the lawyer that the soon to be ex-spouse is a less than admirable human being; that's for a counselor. It will also save time and resources for an already stretched budget. Also, one should not fear asking another attorney for a second opinion at any point in the process. It is no more improper than having a doctor provide a second opinion on a serious medical condition.

The divorce process is time consuming in even the simplest cases and will make demands upon your schedule. Because the courts and your attorney are probably working the same schedule as you are, it is probable that some absences and interruptions of work will be unavoidable. Court dates, especially, are not optional. Advise your employer immediately of any court dates, as those occasions may require an absence from work for at least one half day. When you provide documentation regarding income or other employment information, keep in mind that the courts have strict guidelines and time limits. Promptly providing the necessary information is essential.

Lastly, as an attorney, I remind my clients that the legal process of divorce is basically to divide assets, arrange custody, establish support, and address insurance and debts among other issues. It is not the last argument or the final revenge. While the attorney can assist a person going through the divorce process on the legal matters, emotional help is more appropriately available from close friends or professional counselors.

Please contact me if I can ever be of assistance in answering a question about legal representation in the divorce process.

About The Author

Charles Goldstein practices family law in Minneapolis, Minnesota. He is committed to providing accessible, effective and reasonably priced family law litigation and mediation services. For a free telephone consultation, call 952.449.5299. http://www.fmlylaw.com

In The News:

Elon Musk And How Divorce Prepares Kids To Be Entrepreneurs
Forbes
The last time Musk was in the news this much was two years ago, when divorce proceedings with his first wife, Justine, threatened the Tesla Motors' IPO. While details of that divorce occupied the media's attention, it's likely that his parents' divorce ...

The Halakhic Prenuptial Agreement: A Responsible Solution to the Jewish ...
Huffington Post (blog)
The agunah or agun (literally bound woman or bound man) is the result of a situation where either spouse in a marriage refuses to accept a divorce and quite actually binds the other person in an unwanted marriage unable to begin anew the next chapter ...

and more »

Zee News
Third of all divorces cite Facebook
12NewsNow.Com
A third of all divorce filings in 2011 contained the word "Facebook," according to Divorce Online. And more than 80 percent of US divorce attorneys say social networking in divorce proceedings is on the rise, according to the American Academy of ...
Facebook causing a third of all divorces: SurveyZee News
Marriage may be disliking FacebookNECN
Facebook, a home-breaker: UK surveyFirstpost
newjerseynewsroom.com -Deseret News
all 22 news articles »

Divorce and family mediation seminar offered
Houston Chronicle
Lone Star Corporate College is presenting the seminar as part of the Lone Star College Networking Lunch Series. It runs from 11 am to 1 pm June 7 at the Lone Star Community Building, 5000 Research Forest Drive, The Woodlands.

and more »

Helping Children Cope with Divorce
Sacramento Bee
By Miami Children's Hospital MIAMI, May 23, 2012 -- /PRNewswire/ -- Divorce can be a stressful time, not only for the separating spouses, but also for the children who depend on them. This transition may include moving homes, splitting time between ...

and more »

Marketplace.org
Euro leaders plan for Greece to 'divorce' the euro
Marketplace.org
Brancaccio: Greece leaving the euro is being likened to a divorce. How much would a divorce cost Europe? Walker: That's enormously difficult to estimate in terms of the wider economic cost because you are dealing with an unpredictable financial market ...
Euro zone to prepare for Greek exit scenario -sourcesReuters
Decision needed now on whether Greeks keep euroBelfast Newsletter
Leaders Bicker as Europe's Crisis Gains New UrgencyNew York Times
Fox Business -Malta Business Weekly
all 6,644 news articles »

Led Zeppelin II, who changed his name from George Blackburn after divorce ...
Chicago Tribune
BETHALTO, Ill. (AP) — Led Zeppelin II, who was known as George Blackburn for most of his life, changed his name last fall after a divorce. His daughter, Mindy Baker of Seattle, says Zeppelin, who died Friday at age 64 of a heart attack, wanted to ...
Led Zeppelin II RIPantiMUSIC.com
Led Zeppelin II Has DiedUltimate Classic Rock
Led Zeppelin II Dies at 64: Man Who Changed Name to Favorite AlbumAllMediaNY

all 29 news articles »

Divorce Questions: Should We Stay Together For The Kids?
Huffington Post
Too many therapists think they have the easy answer whether to stay because divorce is often destructive to children or leave because if the parents are happier, the children will be better off. The facts speak for themselves. Divorce wreaks havoc on ...

DigitalJournal.com
Man divorces his wife due to her 550 cats in their home
Examiner.com
A man advised the Rabbinical Court in Beersheba that he had to get a divorce from his wife due to her hundreds of cats she brought into the home as pets. He said that the cats blocked access to the bathroom, did not allow him to prepare meal, ...
Reason for divorce: wife kept 550 cats in their homeDigitalJournal.com
I know you have a comment about this one ….READ and POST ITGretawire (blog)

all 4 news articles »

When divorce occurs, don't punish the father
Fredericksburg.com
Here is the reality: Tensions stemming from harsh economic times are causing the highest divorce rate in decades. Moreover, the further splitting of household incomes creates further stress, which leads to testy divorce and custody battles.

Google News