Finding Your Spiritual Strength in the Midst of Your Emotional Turmoil

Home
>
Breast Cancer
>
Finding Your Spiritual Strength in the Midst of Your Emotional Turmoil

Finding Your Spiritual Strength in the Midst of Your Emotional Turmoil

There were so many emotions that I experienced in 2003 when the doctor confirmed I had Breast Cancer; I was overwhelmed. That was a point in my life that seemed to play out in slow motion. I was in a perpetual state of emotional turmoil. I had so many different emotions surfacing then, some of them I couldn't even identify.

There were many days when I was bombarded by questions for which I didn't have the answers; and in some instances, I had answers but no questions. I sometimes felt like I had been punched by a world class boxer in the middle of my stomach; all the air was knocked out of me.I couldn't catch my breath, and for a little while I allowed this to be my reality.

I certainly felt that I was entitled; poor me. I wallowed in my self pity, my anger, my frustration, and my zombie- like state of total helplessness- for a little while; but soon self pity, and anger, and helplessness- to my surprise- became my licking stick. I was being hurt by the very emotions that made me feel validated. I was being betrayed by those same feelings that gave me a sense of safety. I was a prisoner of all my fears. In reality I was spiritually exposed, my emotions were raw; I was vulnerable. I remember thinking, how dare cancer invade my breast? I remember thinking no one in the family ever had cancer, so how could I get breast cancer? I remember trying to pin point a time when I may have done something to attract breast cancer. I remember trying to figure out why a vegetarian, health conscious nut would get breast cancer?any cancer.

This was not supposed to happen to me; it had to be a mistake. They were all legitimate, reasonable thoughts and questions for which I had no answers. I was scared, I was angry, I felt alienated, I was proud, I was determined, I was in shock, I was depressed, I was sorry for me. I was suffering and I wanted to suffer alone. I wanted no assistance because no one else understood. I was adamant in my efforts to lock everyone who cared about me out of the circle of my conflicting emotions; so I kept all those emotions under cover. I couldn't show it to anyone. I was stalwart in the presence of adversity?and the pressure kept building, silently.

I rode this emotional rollercoaster for what seemed like an eternity. I was too scared, proud, angry, shocked, and confused to break down in front of anyone, or so I thought.

One day, I came to an emotional/ spiritual impasse. The pressure was building on both levels, and when it erupted, it did so unexpectedly. It did so with great pizzazz.

I was all alone when the lid blew. I threw an emotional tantrum. I was praying and I thought I was doing great until all hell broke loose. Somewhere during my praying, I started reasoning with God and cancer. Then unknowingly I moved on to pleading; I was scared. I was so scared. I could barely move. I was overcome by the fear of being ravished and dying a horrible death. I was overcome by pride of not wanting anyone to see me physically debilitated and withering away. I was hot, I was cold?I felt trapped in a multitude of emotions?I couldn't breathe?I started hyper-ventilating. My head was spinning from all the conflicting, confusing emotions that surfaced that day.

Fear soon became anger and frustration. I stood in front of the Dresser mirror and I started a conversation with Breast Cancer- like it was a real person; I found myself calling it DeMon. I was tired of being scared to the point of immobility on all levels. I was pissed it chose to set up residence in my little breast. I had had enough; it was time to face my demon; time to handle my business. It was time for cancer to feel my true inner strength. I decided at that moment to fight back - I don't even remember going into the shower, but that is where my daughter and my granddaughter found me screaming, cursing, and beating the stuffing out of the shower walls I had a cry to end all crying.

They both came into the shower with me and we all had a good cry together. When I stepped out of the shower that day, I affirmed my intentions to cancer- You want a fight cancer? Well, you got one on your hands now. You don't know the half of it. I am going to kick your a**...and, I am going to do it in the name of my God.

It was therapeutic. It was cleansing. It was refreshing.

After that episode, I felt better than I had felt since I got the ? you have aggressive breast cancer- news. I was able to tell my daughters why I was crying, why I had suddenly become a recluse, and why I was so moody and aloof. I was able to explain how I really felt- no holds barred. Somehow, in the midst of all the turmoil I found a way to deal with my breast cancer issues; no more cowering in the dark, no more hiding from the reality of my situation, no more intimidation from DeMon .The time had come for me to set my parameters for this disease. I discarded reactive for proactive measures. I started writing my feelings down in my journals.

I made a list of my expectations-wants/needs, and I made concrete plans to defeat breast cancer. I replaced the fear of suffering and death with the will to live a happy productive and healthy life - cancer free.

I am a breast cancer survivor. I continue to write and counsel survivors about keeping a positive attitude and enjoying all that life has to offer. Mastectomy is not the end of our world...the spread of cancer can be and I truly believe that a positive attitude helps. I have claimed my quality of life back and despite all the side effects of Chemo and Radiation treatments, Neuropathy and Vertigo, I am as sexy and as vibrant as I want to be. I have to make adjustments on a daily basis but I am still here...alive and now living cancer free. I kicked breast cancer's butt and you certainly can do. Remember- the best protection is early detection. Put cancer in it's place under God and under you and move forward on faith confident in God's promise that He will come to your aid if you ask. I am living proof of it.

In The News:

Medical Tactile, Inc. Announces a 3G-Wireless System for Breast Cancer Screening
MarketWatch (press release)
According to a publication funded by the Susan G. Komen Foundation, 1.6 million women worldwide were diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010 and 425000 women died from the disease. Although early detection is the best means to a good prognosis for breast ...

and more »

Al-Arabiya
Rusty Link: The Lackluster Science Behind the Abortion–Breast Cancer Connection
Slate Magazine
Now, providers there must inform pregnant women about “the possibility of increased risk of breast cancer following an induced abortion,” the so-called ABC link. In the decade following Roe v. Wade, the occurrence of breast tumors in the United States ...
Saudi women take fight against breast cancer to Mount EverestAl-Arabiya
Breast cancer advocacy organizations target the under 45 patientThe Imperfect Parent
A woman's journey: destination Mount EverestPakistan Daily Times
New Zealand Herald -The Voice of Russia -HealthTechZone
all 12 news articles »

Jagran Post
Moderate Weight Loss Can Decrease Breast Cancer Risk
ABC News
Could moderate weight loss lower your chance of developing breast cancer? Researchers from the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center think it's possible. The connection between obesity and breast cancer risk in women after menopause has long been ...
Dropping a Few Pounds Could Lower Breast Cancer RiskTIME
Small weight loss effectively reduces sex hormones linked with breast cancerFox News
Dieting May Lower Hormone Levels Tied to Breast CancerU.S. News & World Report
Jagran Post -Globe and Mail -Seattle Post Intelligencer
all 54 news articles »

ABC15.com (KNXV-TV)
Questions about Valley breast cancer charity, where donation money is really used
ABC15.com (KNXV-TV)
When Pat Elliot of Phoenix received what she called an "aggressive" call from a telemarketer representing The Breast Cancer Society, Inc., she was concerned. “It does not appear that patients with breast cancer are being served,” she said.

and more »

Firstpost
New breast cancer test to predict return of tumour post surgery
Daily News & Analysis
A breast cancer test that could spare thousands of women the ordeal of chemotherapy could be available in the UK this year. The test costs just £120 a time and can accurately predict whether a tumour is likely to return after it has been surgically ...
Now, a breast cancer test to predict if tumour will recurBusiness Standard
Find out cheap if breast cancer tumour will returnFirstpost

all 10 news articles »

Galena Biopharma's Breast Cancer Vaccine Sprouts More Red Flags
TheStreet.com
By Adam Feuerstein 05/22/12 - 02:23 PM EDT LAKE OSWEGO, Oregon (TheStreet) -- More red flags have been found staked into Galena Biopharma's(GALE) breast cancer vaccine NeuVax. Updated, 60-month follow-up results from a Neuvax phase II study scheduled ...
Galena Biopharma With Near Term ASCO CatalystSeeking Alpha

all 2 news articles »

Breast cancer clinical trial tests combo of heat shock protein inhibitor and ...
Medical Xpress
Researchers have theorized that inhibiting HSP90 just might render breast cancer cells less likely to escape the challenge posed by cutting off their ability to use estrogen. Such is the rationale for a new clinical trial that has begun enrolling ...

and more »

Breast MRI helps predict chemotherapy's effectiveness
Medical Xpress
Women with breast cancer often undergo chemotherapy prior to surgery. Research has shown that women who receive this treatment, known as neoadjuvant chemotherapy, are more likely to achieve breast conservation than those receiving chemotherapy after ...
Breast MRI and Chemo EffectivenessIvanhoe

all 5 news articles »

Keeping breast cancer at bay: Doctors from China train at CentraState
News Transcript
PHOTO COURTESY OF CENTRASTATE MEDICAL CENTER Seven physicians from China traveled to New Jersey recently to learn about the latest imaging and interventional techniques to diagnose breast cancer as early as possible. From April 30 to May 5, ...

Sydney Morning Herald
Benefits of Hormone-Replacement Therapy Outweigh Risks, Reviews of Studies Show
Wall Street Journal (blog)
Much of that big government study was halted in July 2002 after data suggested that women taking estrogen-and-progestin replacement had a higher rate of heart disease, stroke and breast cancer than those on a placebo. Millions of women and their ...
Doctors rethink hormone therapySydney Morning Herald
Call for 'rational use' of hormone therapy near menopauseNew Zealand Herald
The rollercoaster ride of menopauseFond du Lac Reporter
WebMD.Boots.com -Telegraph.co.uk
all 191 news articles »

Google News